Funniest Jokes And One-Liners

[Dave]

"My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles." – Les Dawson

"I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, 'One minute I'm on the phone.'" – Alan Carr

"I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning... that can keep me awake for days." – Billy Connolly

"I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You'd always get some bloke complaining that he couldn't see the screen. It's a giraffe, mate. What do you expect? 'Well he can take his hat off for a start!'" – Paul Merton

"Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner." – Milton Jones

"People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'" – Bill Bailey

"I rang up British Telecom and said: 'I want to report a nuisance caller.' He said: 'Not you again.'" – Tim Vine

"Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long if you're fat." – Joe Lycett

"We weren't very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer." – Richard Lewis

"My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms." – Phil Wang

"If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been 'It's round.'" – Eddie Izzard

"Two fish in a tank. One says: 'How do you drive this thing?'" – Peter Kay

Here's a selection of Tim Vine one liners

"I wanted to be a milkman, right - but I didn't have the bottle!!"

"I've played football on a plane you know....there I was, running up the wing!!!"

"Black beauty, now there's a dark horse!!!"


"So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I'd like to rent Batman Forever - I said 'No...just for 2 hours!!!!!!' "

"This man pushed me into a bag of peanuts, so I told the police - they asked me if I was assaulted - I said 'No - dry roasted!!!' "

"I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said 'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf'. ' I'm not gambing!' I said, 'The steaks are too high!!!!!!'

"I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and
said: 'Your eyes sparkle like the stars'. So I said to the waiter: 'Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck!!!!!!'

"I threw some snow at my girlfriend. She didn't catch my drift."

"Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They've formed The Doors!!!!!"

"I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said: 'Put it back'

"I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two schoolbags - he's bisatchel!!!! "

"A man came up to me and cut the bottom of my trouser leg off and send it to the library. So that was a turn-up for the books."

"You know how most barbers' chairs go up and down? Well this one went from side to side. The barber turned to me and said: 'Mr. Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.' "

"I've got a sponge door....don't knock it."

"I've got an auntie, Auntie Aircraft Gun. That woman don't half give me a load of flak."

"So I took my dog for a walk and it was really angry - well it would be it's a cross breed!!"

"I tell you what is close to my heart at the moment. My left lung."

"So I said to my Mum 'I'm going to the funfair' - she said 'Oooooh will you go on the Ghostrain?' - I said 'No, I'll walk'"

"I had a cat called Minton who swallowed a shuttlecock. I said 'Bad Minton!'"

"I saw a bargain the other day, a TV set for £1. Only problem was the volume
control which was stuck on full. Come on, how can you turn that down?"

"I used to go shoplifting on the shoulders of a load of vampires. Then I got caught and charged with burglary on three counts!"

"So I went to Buckingham Palace to cut Prince William's hair. I said to the policeman, 'Can you let me in to the car park, I'm here to cut Prince William's hair?' The policeman said 'Have you got a permit?' - I said, 'No, just a bit off the back!!!!' "

"I was driving down the motorway and someone rang me up on my mobile to say that I'd been promoted to a director. I was in such a shock that I skidded to the left. Later, they rang back and said that I was now the managing director, so I veered the car to the right. Finally, they rang up and said that I was the chairman, and I drove right into the hard shoulder. Yes, I'd careered off the road!!!"

"I've decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust."

"I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"I went down the local supermarket. I said: 'I want to make a complaint – this vinegar's got lumps in it.' He said: 'Those are pickled onions.'"

"I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself."

"I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy."

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button."

"I've spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula's house. I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui."

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

"Conjunctivitis.com – that's a site for sore eyes."

"Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was?'"